When you realize...

As I check on Lia before I head off to bed myself, I find myself closing the blinds she's always opening and I catch myself staring out the window at our incredibly deep snow, looking out into our neighborhood with all the twinkling Christmas lights.... When it hits me, we won't ever have another Christmas with this view.. No more snow.. I find myself missing something that isn't quite gone yet.. Something I'd never thought I'd actually miss. I mean sure, we'll be spending plenty of Christmases here in Salt Lake... But you know when the weather really starts to change, the air gets cooler, the leaves start falling off the trees and then you get your first big snow storm and you wake up to just a sea of white everywhere you look? You get that sudden giddiness about Christmas approaching. Maybe I'm being totally silly.. Christmas isn't about the snow, its about family, no matter the temperature outside. Of course I'm well aware of this, its still a surreal thing to believe that it is actually going to happen.

Christmas will be here next week.. Its approaching so fast, as it always does. We've been living alone for almost two months now... Things are becoming normal, I'm getting used to going to bed alone... Doing everything alone. We miss Robbie so desperately. I miss Robbie so desperately, I still have my moments that I just break down and cry to myself over missing him and hating this situation. Knowing that in time, that will fade is terrifying. I feel like Robbie and I haven't been as strong as we are now.. But what happens when things become too normal without him? Will it change the way we live together? Will it change our marriage? These things I worry about. I'm sure its just another thing for me to be silly about.

With all of that aside, I am so grateful for my family. I'm grateful for the choices and the sacrifices we've made. There is nothing more important to me as family. My husband and kids are the only thing on my mind literally ever. I know all the tears, the risks, the sacrifices will all be worth it when we can finally be together as a family again no matter where we are.

I have plenty of pictures to share, but those need their own post! Check back this week for those!