Just "write" it out

This post is mostly about me... I feel weird about it but here it goes...

There's been an awful lot going on with me. Mostly through emotions. I've noticed since I've become a mother that I'm much more in touch with my emotions vs before. Granted I'm much older than I was when I gave birth at 19 years old.

I notice when I feel myself slip back into a day of depression similar to one earlier this year or last when I had PPD. And since I overcame that on my own then, I know how to snap out of it now. I don't feel that way often. Very rarely actually. Its usually when I've become overwhelmed and haven't made time for myself, as in go to the gym for a week or something like that.

I feel like I've been keeping a lot of secrets  and most, if not all, are intentional. I feel like I'm much more private than people believe me to be. Probably because there are a lot of personal topics I'm really open about and if asked, even the things I'm not really open about, I'm usually willing to still talk about.

My mother has HD. Huntington's Disease haunts my family. It took my grandmother at age 56 and the grandmother before that didn't have the medical technology to get what she needed and sadly took her own life in her late 40s. My sweet uncle also has this "hybrid" disease. I say hybrid because its a mix between two diseases, Parkinson's and Alzheimer's. The "dancing disease" is something I've learned that I think about multiple times a day. I'm the lucky "at risk, stuck in the middle" person. Since my mother has it, I have a 50/50 chance of developing HD.

I think everyone knows by now, how much I hate surprises and typically like to be in control of most situations I'm put it. Well, I want to get tested. Its a very rigorous process with a lot of intensive therapy before they even allow you to test, let alone telling you the results of said test. Due to a positive result being extremely devastating to you and everyone involved in your life, they need to prepare and educate you for handling this type of news.

I've wanted this for a long time. I know I'm only 24. I know If I have it, I might be showing symptoms and not realizing it or I might not show symptoms for 20+ years after learning I have it. But then there's that case if I don't have it, will it bring me peace? I think so. Because I would know that my kids have little to no chance of developing the gene at all!!! Knowing that they will be safe from the same fear of unknowing that I am going through now or even worse, living with their symptoms or having to clean up and take care of me. That alone is horrifying to think about.

When I spoke to Robbie about this, he immediately became uneasy. He wants me to wait until I'm 30 or at the very least, revisit the subject a year from now. This was painful for me to hear because it made me realize that this isn't just about me or the kids. This is just as devastating to him, if not more because he is directly involved. Am I selfish for wanting this still? After all the knowing that my husband whom, I love more than anything, is genuinely scared and I sit here upset because he's not telling me to go for it? What is wrong with me?

This is the man that would be holding my hand while I go through this intense therapy. Then to listen to a doctor give results. If positive that I will develop HD, he will be the one to watch his wife suffer in front of his eyes, the one consoling our children from a violent outburst, the one they will confide in if and when they become to terms with the fact that they are at risk and want to be tested themselves. That is so much on one man's shoulders. He is one of the strongest people I've met, but everyone has their breaking point.

What do I do?
Do I break my husband?
Do I selfishly do what I want even though he isn't ready?
Do I wait until I show symptoms?
Do I wait until he believes himself to be ready?
Will he ever truly be ready for something like that?

There's a support group, every second Thursday of every month. I'm going to start going to that. The one next week, I'll be going with my brother who is presymptomatic  and the month after that is going to be with the only friend I have discussed this with.

I'm going to give Robbie time. When he tells me he wants to come, he can come. Until then I pray for no resentment of either party.

Then there's the case of my headaches. Now I've had headaches as far back as being a toddler. Migraines I've gotten regularly since I was 14. So ten years. There have been different things to make them happen more often, stress or pregnancy are mine. Lately, I haven't been any stressed than normal and definitely not pregnant. But they've changed. And I'm scared about it. Robbie is too but neither of us want to say it, or spend thousands on an MRI scan for it to come up normal.

I've been getting these migraines once a week but they last for 2-3 days without stopping. They cause me to throw up, my vision to stop, my right side to tingle and sometimes even go numb. I can't eat or drink. I can't sit or I get dizzy. I have to continuously be moving or lying down.

Normal remedies like sleep and meds stopped helping. I miss mornings at the gym a couple days a week because I can barely move.

They feel weird and they do worry me a little... It's been hard.  I wish I could make them stop.

There has been one saving grace though. I've officially stopped caring about everyone else's lives and their thoughts on me.  I've cut out most social media in my life. Today at the pool, I wore a bikini for the first time in public since I had duke and as I was walking in front of people, I told myself, that what they think doesn't matter. That I might not have the body I want yet but I've worked hard for the body I have and I will be proud of it! And that helped! It actually worked. I feel lighter. I don't think about other people or their lives. What they have, and I don't have. I became really happy and grateful for what I do have and that's all I need!

Well that's enough about me in one post! I'll post some pics of the kids tomorrow!