Don't look back.

A lot has happened over these last few months. I've mentioned in previous posts about trials and overcoming the bad that can happen. This can be a lot easier said than done.
I feel I am ready to tell my story..

I'm ready to take a step forward, don't look back and ask why... but to look forward and say why not...

It all started in May, around my birthday actually. Early morning, about 3am... I was at work when I started having a lot of pain in my lower abdomen... it progressively got worse. I finally made it home at 5:30am, got myself a hot pad and tried to get some sleep. about 10:30 the same morning, it was unbearable. (mind you, my pain tolerance is very high). I call my doctor, they believed I was having a miscarriage..
What a shock. I didn't consider this a possibility that I was pregnant. They asked me to come in for a blood test. Sure enough, the next day I get a call from my Doctor's nurse saying that I in fact was pregnant... but my levels were very low.. almost non existent... She apologized for what had happened... wished me the best and told me this was the end of a very early miscarriage.

I was horrified.

I had no clue, not even a symptom of pregnancy.. not even a thought. I took some time to reflect.. It took a couple of weeks for for the physical pain to settle. NOT knowing about the pregnancy, made things all the more easy for me to heal emotionally. There was nothing to get excited for, no expectations.

Fast forward to the beginning of June.. My very best friend in the whole world, Ambree.. got married June 1st. I was blessed to be her Maid of Honor. It was such a beautiful day.. I cried a lot.. how could I not.. my best friend just got married to an amazing guy. The only bad part was.. I wasn't feeling very well. Super nauseous, hot flashes, bad headache, very little appitite... Thank god Robbie was there by my side the whole day. I was getting a little anxious thinking  I might have gotten pregnant again..

The next day, I decided, well why not just take a pregnancy test to ease my mind.

POSITIVE.

Robbie and I just stared at the test like it was some foreign object we had never seen before....

I started to cry... Robbie asked me why I was crying.. all I remember about that moment was feeling so incredibly blessed to have had a second chance to do this right. A second chance to be a mother again to another amazing spirit.. The greatest thing in the world.

Just a day goes by.... Bleeding. So much blood. PANIC... so much panic. I was in no pain... not one bit. I start telling myself stories or reasons why this could be happening....

First thing I did was call my doctor again.. They ask me to come in for a blood test.. All I can think is, I can't believe this is happening again.
A day later, the results are in, I'm definitely pregnant... levels show very early pregnancy.. about 4 weeks. She told  me this could be 1 of 3 things...
another very early miscarriage,
 bad pregnancy,
or my body finishing what was left of the last M/C and trying to make a better environment for the new baby, since they were so close together...

I went in for another blood test, my levels tripled. The nurse congratulated me and said it looks like this could be a viable pregnancy.. I start to get excited... just a little bit though.. I was still bleeding... convincing myself everything is fine. The bleeding had stopped for about a week before I started feeling a lot of pain in my lower back.. I started to bleed just a little bit for a few more days..

The nurse and I had become friends by this point.. We were talking on the phone on a weekly basis, sometimes more.

Another blood test came back, levels are still rising, not as much as expected but still rising. She asks me to schedule my first appointment and make sure we do an ultra sound just to make sure everything is looking okay and it's not ectopic. My hopes were getting higher.. still trying to get excited, but I just didn't seem to have it in me.

A couple weeks go by.. Today is the big day. We had our ultrasound. I am looking forward to see our little baby that was supposed to be about 8 weeks. I lie on the table, staring at a screen, my heart is racing. I was finally starting to feel excitement. The wand starts going around in circles on my belly. The ultrasound tech... well she asked an odd question.. Have you had any bleeding and/or pain, my heart sunk.. I said yes.. She kept silent. She began to speak in doctor termonology, I had her repeat herself, so I could understand...

No Baby.. nothing but an empty uterus... and a very confused left ovary that created a very large cyst...

I tried to stay composed.. I can tell Robbie is too. His face filled with hurt and confusion. That's when I broke. the tears start coming and I could not make them stop.

I'm hurt, frustrated, confused, overwhelmed, any and all emotions hit me all at once. I run outside for fresh air.. not to be dramatic.. I just couldn't breathe.

I called my mom... besides Robbie, she's my voice of reason. I could tell she hurt for me. 2 miscarriages in 3 months is a lot to take in, and a lot for someone to handle.

I became very numb.. very silent as I get my blood pressure done and wait to see my doctor in the examination room.

My doctor came in with a heavy heart, I'm sure he hates when this happens. I can imagine he has seen this many times before... He does his best to reassure me, he asks for more blood.. and gives me pills to shrink my cyst so it can go away.

If that day wasn't hard enough, I get my blood test results back.... explaining that my levels are very high.

"What is going on?" "Why are my levels still rising?" "How can you be telling me that I am still pregnant and not have anything showing in my uterus?"

I'm still numb at this point.. Not sure how to respond really... Words like Tubal or new pregnancy are being said....

I go in for another examination, I'm getting told I might be needing emergency surgery.. that my cyst could have been the baby at some point... nothing can surprise me anymore.. no one knows what is going on..

blood levels, lowered... tiny bit..

I decide, I just need to leave.. I need to get out of Salt Lake, just spend time with Robbie and Lia, as a trio.. We had a trip planned to go to Arizona to see our grandparents, we've missed them so much, but Robbie had to work the 4th of July so we decided to go some where we could drive.. Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

I have always had a soft spot for this place. We used to go as a family, while I was growing up, every 4th of July.. it was magical every time. It was the perfect getaway..

It might have only been a two night stay but it was worth every second.. Even though my phone never stopped ringing from the hospital, I didn't care. I was not going to let anything spoil this for us.

My levels are currently still dropping.. still there, but in two weeks, I'm hoping I can have this be over with.. and just worry about getting this cyst to go away...

I know this was long... probably too detailed.. I'm sorry for that. This post isn't for sympathy, to feel sorry for me... I wrote this to document my experience with not just one but 2 miscarriages in a short period of time. Emotionally, I will get there. I've been doing really well, I still have my really hard days.. Robbie and I have been in quite a funk, we are hoping with us (if we are lucky and things go right) closing on a new (different) house next week, get our routine again, things will get much easier and much better for us... Right now, I don't see any babies in our future for at least another year. I think I want to enjoy this amazing trio I already have for a bit longer before we decide to shake things up.

Everyone goes through terrible things in their life.. although they are never easy.. even getting out of bed can seem like an impossible task.. I am choosing and I think I can speak for my family too, WE are choosing to not look back, reflect on it from time to time, but to move forward.

Everything happens for a reason. We might not understand why, but trust that everything will be alright and continue to be strong because no storm lasts forever.

Thanks for reading.